Parent: "That's it! You're grounded. You didn't take out the garbage again. I've had it."
Ten-year-old Tommy: "What do you mean? You didn't tell me to take out the garbage. I'm not a mind reader."
Parent: "Do I have to yell at you every time? It's your job in this family. Don't you get it?"
If this or similar scenes are common happenings in your home, what you're really seeing is a lack of communication. And while it may not be news, it is a fact that parents and kids get along much better when they communicate with each other.
Just stating the obvious, however, doesn't improve communications. But if you'll take the time to examine what makes up good communication, it becomes easier to avoid everyday breakdowns like the one described above.
We'd like to suggest five basic communication points that can and should be practiced every chance you get. Think of them as the five fingers for improved communication.
Be present, here and now! This means staying tuned in to your child's presence during a discussion. Match the sense of urgency he's conveying. Return her intense look. Focus on your child's desire to talk. Shut out thoughts about your other demands for the few minutes it takes to listen to your child. If your mind wanders, bring it back immediately. Don't interrupt. Hear your child's message without jumping to conclusions.
Express yourself clearly and briefly! It sounds simple (though is often hard to do), but really makes a difference. When it's your turn to speak, review your thoughts so your words come out clearly. Keep it as short as possible - kids rarely have long attention spans. Practice saying what you think in fewer words every time you speak.
Be an active listener! That means listening attentively to more than just the words. Pay attention to the tone of your child's voice and listen for signs of stress. Focus so that the ideas being expressed don't go in one ear and out the other. Listen for the emotional message beyond the actual words. Is there a call for help or a sense of being overwhelmed? Try to understand what's going on behind the scenes and relate this information to what's actually being said.
Acknowledge the person speaking! Let your child know that you both hear and "get" what is being said. Use nods, facial expressions and comments such as "I see," "Okay," "Sure," and "I understand." Your acknowledgment says you follow their reasoning and relate to their explanations. It also tells your child it's okay to leave one subject and proceed to the next because you understand what's been said so far.
Repeat the main points! This promotes accuracy and understanding. Your repetition reinforces the information and allows your child to correct any misinterpretations. It also says you understand and allows him or her to say more about the subject right then, especially when you ask questions.
And remember those five fingers we mentioned? Use them as a checklist when an opportunity for a meaningful conversation comes up. Wiggle your thumb and ask if you are fully present, and not lost in another issue or caught up in another thought?
Wiggle your second finger to remind yourself to share your thoughts and ideas by using clear, brief comments, not long-winded ones.
Wiggling your third finger can remind you to behave as an active listener rather than a distracted spectator.
Wiggle your fourth finger and remember to avoid interruption and to know and agree to show your child that you're hearing his or her message.
Wiggle your fifth finger to remember to ask questions, to repeat main points, and to give your child a chance to clarify thoughts.
A simple process like this can do a great deal to close the gap between parents and children understanding one another. In fact, you may just find that focusing on the basics of good communication like this may help in a variety of situations. Or do you think all those disagreements at work have nothing to do with communicating well?
Dr. Goode is a Tucson, Arizona based counselor and the author of five books, including Nurture Your Child's Dream. She often speaks and conducts workshops on inspired parenting and mind-body health. Her website is at www.inspiredparenting.net.
The American Counseling Association is the nationšs largest organization of counseling professionals, with more than 50,000 members nationwide. Additional information for consumers and counseling professionals is available through the ACA web site at www.counseling.org
