Every child experiences loss at some time. It could be as simple as a broken toy, or as complex as the death of someone dearly loved. Helping your child deal appropriately with the feeling of grief can make the experience much less painful.

Often the first significant loss a child experiences is the death of a pet. As unpleasant as it may be, the situation presents an important learning experience for the child. If the child witnessed the event or feels responsible for the pet's death, his or her feelings are likely to be all the more intense.

Your feelings are important, also. Don't feel a need to hide your tears for the sake of your child. It's all right to grieve together and talk together about what happened. It's important for your child to know that even if he or she sometimes neglected the pet or was angry at the pet, that didn't make the pet die. Children often secretly blame themselves when something bad happens.

If you sense that your child is afraid to ask questions or talk about what happened for fear of upsetting others, you may need to initiate the conversation. Let your child know you are willing to talk about what happened when he or she is ready. Share information in a way your child can understand.

Having a funeral for a pet can help bring closure. Let your child help plan what to do. You may want to talk about special memories, or make a tape recording about your pet's life. Making a scrapbook with favorite pictures of your pet can bring back good memories. Your child may enjoy drawing pictures or writing about your pet. You may want to create a memory box if there are items you want to save.

Often, after a pet dies, parents rush to get a replacement pet. However, getting another pet too soon usually doesn't relieve the grief. Even talking about getting another pet right away can be upsetting to a child who is still grieving. Your child could end up taking angry feelings out on the new pet. When your child begins to ask about getting a new pet, that is likely to be the right time to start planning for another pet.

Don't be surprised if your child sometimes "takes a break" from grief. Children can be very upset, then go out and play as if nothing happened. This doesn't mean they are through grieving. The feelings may come back many times. Bedtime can be difficult. Being alone in bed at night can give time to think and bring back unpleasant feelings. Some children may find a nightlight or stuffed animal comforting. Respect your child's feelings; avoid making fun of them or ignoring them.

If your child is having a difficult time with the loss, especially if it is a major loss such as a relative, it could helpful to talk with your school's professional counselor. The counselor may have a small group that meets to help children deal with loss. The counselor can answer questions your child may have and help him or her develop ways to handle any uncomfortable feelings that may have been making it difficult to concentrate and learn in class. The counselor can also suggest ways to deal with any behavior problems that may have developed. Call your child's school to talk with the school counselor and schedule an appointment.

A visit to the library may yield several child-appropriate books to read with your child about death. Books may answer questions your child has been afraid to ask. A good book will stimulate conversation and provide new understanding. Just the act of reading a book aloud to your child will give comfort. The extra attention is also valuable at this time. You may even find that you and your child grow closer as you deal with the grief together.

Grief is a process. It does not automatically stop after a given period of time. Your child cannot "snap out of it." Helping your child handle the process well provides a foundation for dealing with other losses that are likely to occur in life. Helping your child learn to be resilient takes time and effort, but resiliency is a valuable life skill that will help your child grow into a strong, confident adult.

Shirley Redcay, M.S., is a professional school counselor in Tampa, Florida, and author of the book, Friendship Fables. She is 2000-2001 President of the Florida Association of Spiritual, Ethical, and Religious Values in Counseling.