Parenting - what an adventure it can be! It's fulfilling and rewarding at the same time that's it's stressful and frustrating. And while there are times when most parents feel they're in over their heads, most of us find parenting a wonderful and challenging experience.

Being an effective parent, however, doesn't happen by accident. We all face time constraints, work demands and numerous other stresses. Add to that the responsibilities of caring for children, with all their unique needs, and it's easy to fall into ineffective ways of responding to our children. We may set limits and discipline haphazardly, occasionally letting the stress of the situation overrule head or heart. As a result, both parents and children are confused and ultimately dissatisfied by inconsistency and unclear expectations.

Although parenting is always tough, following a few steps can help improve parenting effectiveness:

1. Establish parenting goals. Take some time to write down your goals as a parent. What do you really want to accomplish as a dad or mom? Phrase your ideas positively, such as "My goal is to always support my child by expressing my love and acceptance," rather than "I won't withdraw affection when I'm angry with my child." Make your goals reasonable, positive ones that consider your child's current abilities. With all the challenges of today's world, perhaps your greatest goal can be to provide the most love and support that you can.
2. Figure out how to reach those goals. If your goal is broad, add specifics to it. For instance, add the word "by…" to the goal "I want to be the best parent I can be," then finish the sentence, "I want to be the best parent I can be by providing and expressing love, support, and clear expectations for my child." Then keep going! "I'll know I've done this when I can feel reasonably in control of my reactions to my child; when I provide clear limits and guidelines for his behavior, and when I follow through consistently with my promises." Tinker with your goals until they capture your desire to care for your children and provide specific information about how to do so.
3. Put your goals into practice. After you've added specifics to your goals, try them out. This is the real work of parenting, so remember that it takes time, patience, and practice. When things get hectic it's easy to forget goals and get sloppy. You say "yes" when you mean "no," or "no" when you mean "let me think about it." You shout as a way of releasing your own tension.

To stick with your goals, you need to know yourself and your child. Are you grumpy after work? Is your child whiney when she's tired or hungry? Be aware of the situations that may be affecting how you act as a parent, and how your child responds.

Establish in advance your expectations for yourself and your child so that you can know if either of you is not meeting those expectations, but be realistic. If homework is to be finished by 7 p.m., but your child is always too tired or wound up to meet that deadline, consider allowing a 20 minute rest time or alternative activity to happen before starting the homework. Find an adjustment that makes the completion time realistic, clearly set the deadline, and let your child know the consequences for not meeting the deadline.

Make the consequences appropriate (depriving a child of food or shelter is never appropriate). Missing a homework deadline might mean losing time playing a computer game. Not bringing in outside toys might mean loss of use of those toys for some time. Let your child know the consequences ahead of time.

Also be aware of your expectations for yourself. Maybe they include remaining calm and patient, even when you're stressed out. If so, take actions to reach that goal, such as stepping into a bathroom, taking deep breaths, washing your face, maybe even making faces at yourself in the mirror. When you don't meet your expectations, what are your consequences? Raising your voice might mean an additional 30 minutes of exercise this week.

It's important that you allow both yourself and your child to make mistakes. Be consistent. Ask for help when you need it. And reward yourself and your children when you succeed. Parenting can be a magnificent endeavor when you plan to make the most of it.

Dr. Staton is an Assistant Professor at James Madison University in Harrisonburg, Virginia, where she specializes in counselor education while also providing individual and family counseling services in the community.
The American Counseling Association is the nation's largest organization of counseling professionals, with more than 50,000 members nationwide. Additional information for consumers and counseling professionals is available through the ACA web site at www.counseling.org.