If you're a parent of a teenager, chances are excellent that more than once you've complained about how your teen simply refuses to talk to you. You want to communicate...you want to know what your teen is doing, thinking, feeling...you don't want to face stoney silence.

It may not be much comfort, but know you're not alone. It's a problem many parents face, including, more likely, your own when you were growing up.

Remember, for a moment, what it was like to be 14, 15, or 16 years old. On the one hand, you wanted to be treated like an adult, yet were still dependent on your parents for money, food, housing and most other basics of living. One second you were telling your parents you didn't need their help, the next asking them to drive you to the movies!

Teenagers typically have mixed feelings about growing up. They want to be independent, but are also frightened by all the things that independence will bring. They face complicated feelings they aren't always willing, or able, to put into words.

It's also difficult for most parents as they try to decide how much independence their teen can handle and how much dependence is still needed. On top of that is the desire parents have of not wanting their children to make the same mistakes they made. The result can be parents almost as confused as their teenager. Such confusion on both sides doesn't make communication any easier.

One starting point is simply accepting that most teens are going to want to talk to their friends more than to their parents. But there are still things you can do to help guide your teen in the right direction and open up communication.

Invest in Your Teen: Encourage your teen to invite friends to the house. Even if you can't stand the noise coming from the stereo, make an effort to know their music. You don't have to like your teen's friends, music, or TV preferences to understand and appreciate that he or she is trying to develop an identity separate from yours.

Validate Your Teen's Feelings: Yes, teens' emotional reactions can seem irrational at times, but teens need to be encouraged to feel whatever they are feeling. Instead of immediately giving advice, let your teen know you accept his or her reaction by saying something like, "That's frustrating," or "Yes, that's annoying," or "I bet that hurt."

Empower Your Teen: Most parents don't want to see their teenagers make the same mistakes they made growing up. That's why it's so tempting to solve your teens' problems for them. Instead, say something like, "That's tough, what are you going to do?" If they have no idea, then offer some solutions, but leave the decision up to them.

It may take some time for your teen to see that you are not going to lecture or preach every time he or she talks to you. But if you keep practicing these tips, your teen will begin to see you value his or her developing identity, and eventually will see you as someone to consult regarding some of life's tougher decisions. Most of all, trust that your teen will learn from his or her mistakes. Your teen is also more likely to make the right choices when feeling supported and valued by you!

Your teen is probably seeking support during these confusing times from his or her friends. Take a clue from your teen and seek out your friends and co-workers who may be able to support you during this time of almost constant adjustment. It can be a great relief to hear that other parents are experiencing the same struggles, and they may have other insights and strategies on how to make it through this time in your child's life.

On the other hand, if you feel like you are completely alone and answer yes to any of the following questions, you may want to consider seeing a counselor or other mental health professional for additional support and guidance:

• Do you find yourself worrying all the time and unable to find solutions?
  
  
• Are your feelings and/or thoughts affecting your sleep, eating habits, job, or other relationships?
  
  
• After trying these tips for a month consistently, have you found that your relationship with your teen is not getting better, possibly even worsening?
  
  

A professional counselor can help you decide how serious the problem is and whether individual or family counseling sessions might help. A good starting point in seeking such help is talking with your teen's school counselor.

Marci Payne is a Licensed Professional Counselor with Healing Grace Counseling Centers in Lee's Summit, Missouri